Thursday, December 30, 2010

Toxic Friendships

One of my best friends has the opinion that you should do what makes you happy, and I wholeheartedly agree with him unless that decision will hurt someone else.  I am way too nice to people.  I give way too many "second chances" that are actually fourth and fifth chances.  And this is how I get hurt. 

I want to believe that people are inherently good.  And that they abide by the "treat others as you'd like to be treated rule."  But as time goes on and I get older and wiser, I find that people are not all good.  In fact, people can be very bad and hurtful, and the people who are the most hurtful can be the people you're closest to.

I'm talking about toxic friendships.  The ones where you feel drained and upset and even bad about yourself after an encounter with the "friend."  I have a friend in particular that, when we first started becoming really close friends, was one of the sweetest guys I'd ever met.  So much so that I developed a very short-lived crush on him before realizing we were much better as friends than anything more.

Now that we're a lot closer he knows things about me.  Secrets and personal things that I don't tell just anyone.  Even some things that I only feel comfortable telling him.  And if he's upset with me, even if it's a situation that's out of my control, he uses the things I've told him as missiles to hurt my feelings.

Last night in particular he was very hurtful.  I'm trying very hard to forgive him, but our text message conversation in particular keeps piercing my heart each time I go back and read it.  He was just so mean!  Like every response he made he was trying to hurt my feelings.

I've said it jokingly in the past, but there's a lot of truth to it, too.  I'm a delicate flower.  Yes, I know how lame and ridiculous that sounds, but it sums up me perfectly.  I am hurt really easily.  When someone is mean to me, or forgets about me, or doesn't put as much effort or love into a relationship as I do I get very hurt.

I guess that's what's happening here.  Maybe our relationship has run it's course and we'd be better off not being so close and me not giving him so much of my heart and my attention.  Even the thought of that hurts my heart.  Friendships ending, or even having rough patches, can be just as hard if not harder than relationship problems.

Right now I need to stop intermittently crying, especially since I'm at work.  My eyes are swollen from crying myself to sleep last night so I look like I was punched in the face.  And I'm sad.  It's hard to not cry when you're sad.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Irony (or something...)

To be honest, ever since someone told me that Alanis Morissette's song "Ironic" wasn't correctly describing ironic situations I've been at a loss for what irony actually is, so let's just go with what I think it is--a black fly in your chardonnay.

I was about to write a post on Monday about how I've begun to think that most of my friendships from high school are pointless and we've both moved on and grown apart so getting together for reunions is just something for us to reminisce about and then forget about the person until the next reunion, never trying to continue the relationship past that short encounter...and then I met up with a friend from high school.  Of course I still feel the same way about our brief encounter, but I think it's ironic that the same day I was contemplating a post about meaningless high school friendships I meet up with a dude I knew in high school.

Next topic:  I keep listening to this song.

In the opening scene Diddy is flying in a helicopter over some desert starin' out lookin' all broodin' and shiz, and it got me to thinking.  I want SO BAD to go on a helicopter ride.  SO BAD!  There are a lot of helicopters around.  There has to be someone out there that can give me a little ride around so I can see my city from above and feel like I'm flying.  It's all I want.  I guess I want a lot of things: love, my own home, a brother dog for Cooper, no student loans, but right now, most of all I want this helicopter ride. 

This week is going to be super fun and busy!  Kellsey and Tay are getting in today.  Genevieve and Co. are getting in tomorrow.  Friday I leave to go to a lakehouse for the weekend to celebrate the new year with friends.  I can't wait for all the fun!!  Ooh, and tonight I'm gettin' ma hurr did!  I'm thinking darker.  Low lights and what not.  For the cut, I'm thinking something more dramatic.  Maybe bangs?

Happy New Year!

[image courtesy of here]

Monday, December 27, 2010

Single digits!!!!

So I've been attempting this thing they call a "diet" for a while now.  It all started after my break-up with the ex-boyfrand.  I gained something like 15 pounds after our break-up...gross, huh?  Not to mention the 5-10 I gained when we were still together.  I call that the "love pounds."  He loves me, I gain pounds.  Life isn't fair.

I was getting close to having a 2 before the other digits in my weight.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not about the number, it's about how you feel...whatever.  There is no way in hell I will ever let myself get near that again, unless there's a fetus inside of me.  Then all bets are off and I'm going to town on any and all food I want.  (Don't worry Ma, that won't happen for a long, long time!)

When I moved to Florida my uncle and I made a bet to lose weight since we were both fatties.  Long story short--my aunt cooks food that tastes way too good.  I was depressed.  Neither of us lost weight.

My move back to Austin was definitely for the best.  I was happier and in a place where I had to cook for myself.  That meant one meal a day with a couple of snacks thrown in.  Less food intake, more activity--weight loss was bound to happen.  I lost a little less than 30 pounds just by moving back.  I really wasn't exercising much at first, just going out more with friends, but that seemed to help.  My clothes were getting looser and I was getting closer to my beloved single-digit number in clothes.

Well, my friends...the day has come!  I am officially back into single digits!  I thank my new found love for running and a bet I made with Kellsey as to who could lose the most weight.  I don't actually know that I've lost much weight, but clothes in my closet that haven't fit in two years are loose on me.  I have a ways to go before I'm back to the weight I felt most comfortable in, but I'm making baby steps.

I'm just happy I can fit into the dress I really wanted to wear for New Year's Eve, except it's loose on me!  I'm debating getting another dress now...

The one I've been thinking about is this cute little Betsey Johnson dress I bought for a cocktail party in the Fall of 2007.  I saw it, fell in love, still love it, dream about get the gist.  I'm obsessed with this dress:

But last Fall I found this dress, tried it on, and barfed.  With my extra poundage it was not so hot.  But this year it could work!
Although I don't think my bones stick out of my shoulders quite like the model's do, but like I steps.  (In all honestly, I don't think my bones will ever stick out like that.)

So I'm going to try on the dresses with shoes, coats, jewelry, etc. and figure out what looks best!  Woooooo weight loss!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Kellsey is almost here!!

In 8 days one of my very best friends will be moving back to this great state and I can't wait!!

When she gets here we're going to giggle and jump up and down and act like we're 5 because that's the age we pretty much resort to when together. 

And then we're going to pretend to be big kids and get our hair done all perdy-like, and then we're going to a giant lake house on Lake Travis for the New Year's Eve weekend with a bunch of our friends and we're going to drink champagne and wear high heels and sleep in bunk beds.

And then we're going to get family portraits done a la Christmas 2008 for some other holiday that's coming up...


Friday, December 17, 2010

Merry Christmas to me!

This morning has been interesting...

I woke up 8 minutes before I had to open the office this morning.  I woke up on a friend's couch.  I'm wearing one of his button downs.

I thank God for my amazing friends!  One drove me to work.  One is taking care of my dog since I'm obviously a terrible mother, and she's also picking me up at lunch so I can do all the things I'm supposed to do, namely picking up another friend's cat to take care of him for the weekend...and shower.  Oh man, a shower would be heaven right now.  One brought me a latte and a breakfast taco.  Seriously, how great are my friends?  REALLY GREAT!  I love them!

I'm currently wearing last night's makeup, a men's shirt, and probably still a little bit drunk.  My debit card is MIA, too.  I canceled it because mama's not made of money (even though I act like it...BALLER!).

Today I had big plans for lunch.  A friend of mine is going to New York City, and I'm taking care of her baby kitten for the weekend.  Looks like that angel is going to have to wait until after work to get some love!  I don't have my car here (hence the friend picking me up at lunch).  I'm going to need to get a new debit card at some point too...  Good thing I bought three bottles of wine last night!  Now I have one for my mom's Christmas party tonight and I won't have to worry about that after work, too.  Eating.  That was one of my lunch plans.  Whatevs, who needs to do the things they're responsible for?  Not this girl!

Anyway, the point of this post is to show you what I want for Christmas!  Right?  Right!

Here's my Christmas list in pictures...

First, the one thing I've been dreaming of my entire life!  A helicopter ride.  And it's on sale!


Yummy Candles!

Stuff for dinner parties

And one thing that my lovely friend, Dawn told me she's giving me!!

Oh, and this.  I really want this!

So Santa, whatcha gettin' me for Christmas?  I've been really good this year...sort of.  XOXOX!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

New Year's Kiss!

Everyone wants one.  Unless they've got a bad cold sore and then they hope no one notices their lips.

One of my very best friends is moving back to Austin after mistakenly thinking she should have moved halfway across the country post college.  She came to her senses and at the end of December she'll be here!  Today she gave me the good news that her sexy man friend might be joining her and staying for the New Year's Eve celebration.  I hadn't seen him sine I was in California last year so I checked out his facebook picture.

My first thought?  Mmmmmmm.  The same reaction one would have to say, a cheeseburger.

[Photos courtesy of weheartit and dixneuf]

These are the days of our lives...

Last night I was talking on the phone to my beautiful preggers friend.  She is seriously one of the most awesome people on the planet.  Gorgeous inside and out, incredibly smart, loving and caring.  I miss her so much it hurts sometimes since she lives so far from me now.

We were talking about how different and crazy our lives had become.  I made the statement "I'm sitting here while my blueberry chocolate chip muffins are baking (that was my dinner), having a second cocktail, and watching Gossip Girl before I go play dodgeball...and you're pregnant and married.  How did we get here?"  And we laughed about what a different turn our lives took after college. 

She eloped with the love of her life after knowing him a few months, and I thought I would be with my then-boyfriend of a year for the rest of our lives.  But break-ups happen, people move, babies are made, and here we are! 

It just goes to show you that you can't plan your life.  As much as I have tried, it just isn't possible.  I've recently tried more to let things go and go with the flow.  I was getting really stressed trying to plan my life, but our conversation really made me reflect and realize that I don't have control, God does.  So I'm going to leave things up to Him and hope that I like the plans He has for me!
 [photo courtesy of colormehkrazy]

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

New Year Rezzies

I've been thinking about my resolutions for 2011 lately since, in case you were completely unaware like I was until about two days ago, January comes after Decemeber!  And it's a different year...usually.  This is just what I've learned from the internet and we all know everything on the internet is a lie.  So really, maybe we're just entering January 2010?  I guess my iPhone will let me know when we get there. 

In any case, January is the time to start new year's rezzies historically so...submitted for the approval of The Midnight Society, I give you:

Nicole's 2011 Rezzies

1.  No swear words, unless I'm wearing a sailor costume (Halloween 2011 idea? I think so!)
2.  Don't use the word "hate."  It's too negative and makes people think you're pessimistic.
3.  Run n' stuff.  Stuff = dodgeball, kickball.  Anything where balls routinely smack me in the face.
4.  Walk/bike to work at least once a week.  Because I'm like, 8 blocks away.  Maybe 6 depending on how you look at it.
5.  Get a bed!  The mattress on the floor is reminiscent of drug addicts and last I checked I'm not one sooooo... (Geezus, it's been over 6 months and I'm still on the floor!)

That's a lot of resolutions.  Guh.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Things happen

And I know they happen for a reason...

Today I was feeling down.  (That's happening more often than not.  wtf life?!)  I came across this on the interwebs and it made me feel better.
So here are some pictures that I've found that make me happy.  Everyone needs a little pretty to brighten their day!

And my favorite song:

Like A G6

I don't care how overplayed it is on the radio/my cell phone.  When that song comes on I want to dance and party and yell the lyrics at the top of my lungs!

[Photos courtesy of gussysews, tasiajanay143, trashmaker, and hydeordie]

Actual Gchat Conversation

My friend sent me this gchat made me lolz.

A:  I can add someone to my Linkedin network if I hooked up with them at a frat party in college right?
B Sure!
That's a connection
 Networking at its finest
A lol!
Thank you greek system for the many treasures you presented me with during my undergraduate career
B That's why sororities help you get jobs
And why greeks hire greeks
They know you put out.

My friends are funny.  And inappropriate. 

Monday, December 6, 2010

Where da internetz?

I had no internet at my apartment from oh, about 7 o' clock Friday night right when my dinner guests arrived and I needed some mood music until midnight Sunday as I lay me down to sleep and watched The Office (Dwight, marry me.  I will try to love beets.)  While most people would fix this prob by calling their good 'ol cable company, that option wasn't one.  You see, I don't pay for cable.  Or internet.  I borrow from my generous and unwilling neighbors who can't stand my dog and don't say hi to me when we bump into each other on our shared 2'x2' porch.  It's a lovely relationship. 

Thank the cable gods that we're up and running again and I am up to date with the goings-on of my future babydaddy.  You wanna know how I know he's going to be the best dad ever?  While holding baby CeCe:  "You know it's not really necessary for me to sit here holding her all night. Just go into Gabe's refrigerator, get a lump of suet, or any kind of congealed animal fat will do really, tie a piece of string to it and the other end to her toe, put the suet in her mouth, she'll be happy for hours."

Oh this face...

And that bod...
It's love.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Cuddles with my puppy

Yesterday was Cooper's 3rd birthday and I was an absolutely terrible mother.  I didn't take him on a morning run because I was lazy, I worked all day, I had our office holiday party after work, and then two dodge ball games immediately after that.  Thankfully my mom is a gem and fed and him and took him for a walk so he would be ok until I got home.

I grabbed him after the games (which we won!) so he could come to Doc's for "happy hour" with the team.  Apparently people are wimps and couldn't handle the cold so I was stuck outside, just Coop and I.  Some friends joined me after I kept looking at them longingly and forcing Cooper to give them his token puppy dog eyes.

I guess it was sort of cold outside because my poor birthday pup was shivering.  I put my sweater on him and thought we were done with that, but at 5 in the morning he came to my bed and woke me up, shivering again.  I motioned for him to jump in bed and get under my warm down comforter and he did so with lightning speed!  That poor baby was so cold so we cuddled under the covers.  And then he farted.

Happy birthday Cooper!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

What's wrong with me?

Why do I constantly feel so emotional?  I feel like something is wrong with me.  Do other people constantly feel like they're trying too hard?

I generally feel comfortable in any social situation I'm in, but lately I've felt really insecure, even around close friends.  Like something I'll say will make them not like me anymore.  I know it's probably untrue, because if they're my friends a stupid, awkward comment won't make them dislike me, but for some reason I find myself second guessing the things I do and say around everyone.

And that's just it.  I feel awkward.  Something is missing in my life and I think it's love.

I have so much love to give.  And I am so much better at loving people than hating or even simply liking a person.  Love is who I am and it is what I feel on a daily basis.  But I'm ready for something deeper.

I came to the realization the other day that I have been single for almost a year and a half now.  That's more time than my last relationship lasted.  And it was a great relationship, but lately I find myself missing him.  And I think I'm missing the idea of him moreso than actually missing him, which I know isn't where I need to be if I do truly want a relationship.  I know that I need to be comfortable and secure with being me, by myself, no strings attach before I can be ready to give myself to a relationship, but I was there at least six months ago and my dream man wasn't there waiting for me at the end of my "Ready for a Relationship" tunnel.

I'm tired of waiting.  I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of not feeling pretty.  I'm tired of not being told I'm pretty and not being adored by a man who loves me and wants to be with me.  I'm tired of meeting guys who I'm not interested in at all.  And I'm tired of giving them a chance because maybe I'm just not seeing something.

What is wrong with me?  Am I broken?

I really hate being this emotional person.  I hate whining and I hate complaining, but this is where I am right now.  Alone.  And whining and complaining about it.

My Engagement

When the man of my dreams asks me to marry him I want my rock to have this cut.  It's the Official Gemstone Cut of Texas, because of course we have that.

And I'll say no if it's anything else.

I love Texas :)

[Photo Courtesy of]

Monday, November 29, 2010

Sorry for the radio silence...

I was busy at work the week before Thanksgiving and then on vacation for a week, but I'm back and I have lots to share!

Tonight I'm going to edit and hopefully put up pictures from my fabulous birthday party.  It was the best birthday I have ever had and I'm so thankful for my wonderful friends and family who made it possible.  I love each and every one of you so much and am so happy that we're a part of each others' lives. 

This Thanksgiving was one for the record books.  I went to four different Thanksgivings and each one was wonderful in different ways.  The first one was with my company and it's always nice to get to know your coworkers a little better, especially since I'm a bit secluded from the rest of the office.  The second dinner was with friends from my kickball team--good food, fun games, and a warm bonfire!  The third Thanksgiving was on Thanksgiving Day with the Kennedy side of my family in Michigan (where I was for the past week).  My aunt and uncle are amazing cooks and dinner was awesome.  I love being with the whole family for holidays.  My last dinner was a surprise after a crappy flight experience and was delicious and full of old friends.  It was such a nice ending to a pretty perfect vacation.  I was even reunited with my pup after 10 long days.  I sure did miss that monster!

Thanks for your patience since I haven't been posting.  I hope your Thanksgiving was full of food, family, and friends and you enjoyed your time off.  I know I did!

PS: My friend Brian has an AWESOME blog.  He's a really funny writer and has a very interesting story. 

PPS: It's Christmas time and I couldn't be happier.  This truly is the best time of the year and I have a perma-smile on my heart from the love and joy this season brings.  The decorations and music are pretty great too!  That's the lobby of my office building.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Are you kidding me?!

Two weeks ago a blogger for Marie Claire told the world that she was uncomfortable watching overweight people get intimate on the new TV show, Mike & Molly.  Her opinion has caused her a lot of backlash because we live in such a politically correct world that if your opinion offends a certain group then you are labeled a bully or a bigot or...a weightistOf course it's more aesthetically pleasing to watch two fit, beautiful people canoodle on your favorite show.  But that's not why I say "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

My issue is with a word that, frankly, is completely ridiculous.  Weightism.  WEIGHTISM.  That has got to be a joke. 

Racism.  Ageism.  Sexism.  Weightism.  Which one of these is not like the other?

If you guessed weightism, you'd be correct!  And why is that Nicole?  I'm happy you asked!  You see, while race, age, and sex are something that you can't change without extensive plastic surgery, weight is something that can be controlled by an individual without a scalpel.  You're not born fat.  You get that way through unhealthy eating and exercise habits or things like a screwy thyroid (which can be controlled with medicine).

There is no reason to be cruel to others who are different from you and I don't agree with it, but weightism is completely ridiculous!  I struggle with staying at a healthy weight, and I know it sucks to diet and exercise when I'd rather be eating a big, juicy hamburger, but we're adults and need to take responsibility for our actions.  "Weightism" only exacerbates America's weight problem.  We spent over $147 billion directly and indirectly on the costs of obesity in 2006, and we've expanded since then. 

When are individuals going to stop coining new terms to make themselves feel better and instead, channel that frustration in healthy, productive ways such as educating themselves on proper nutrition?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Wanna know how I handle situations I don't want to handle?

I pretend like they never happened.  I stop communicating with that person/those people and *poof* it never happened!

It's such a healthy way of dealing with things, don't you agree?

[image courtesy of]

(: Happy Blog :)

Photo by Jon Spot Photography
This picture makes me want to yell "BUBBLES!"

I've noticed that a lot of my blog posts are a bit dramatic, emotional, and not very happy or positive.  I think in general I'm a very positive person, or at lease I try to be.  My blog is my space to rant I suppose.  Hopefully it's still interesting even if I do come across as moody.

I wanted to do a giveaway when my blog counter hit 1000 hits and that was 100 hits ago soooooo...


I'm giving away a shoebox of STUFF!  I don't know what yet but I do know it'll be amazing!  Probably very Austin-y and also reflective of ME!

In order to be in the drawing you must:
1.  Follow me publicly.
2.  Leave a comment telling me about the best surprise you ever had.

Good luck and Happy Veteran's Day.  Thank a soldier you know.  They do so much for our country so we can live our happy lives at home.
[image courtesy of]

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

My cousin.  By marriage.  Does that make it any better that I wish I didn't know my cousin?

We were the absolute best of friends as kids.  We would dress in matching outfits and had to do everything together.  When we went out to stores or restaurants people would ask us if we were twins, and we loved that.  Of course, we said yes every time.

Things were great until my senior year.  I went through a lot of crap.  A lot.  Some brought on by crazy teenage hormones and some from bad people.  I think my cousin tried to be there for me and help, and maybe in the end it was too much. 

I moved out of my parents house the summer before my senior year of high school because of an argument we had.  I came home after curfew, was told I was grounded, and immediately packed a bag and walked to my friend's house.  My cousin drove to Austin to take me back to League City with her.  We lived together at my aunt and uncle's house and eventually moved into an apartment of our own.

Moving into the apartment was terrible for everyone involved.  Her mom (my aunt) was pretty adamant about not letting us move out.  I think she saw the whole idea as mine, when in reality my cousin had come up with the plan and I agreed.  Of course a seventeen year old girl would rather live on her own with no rules.  Why would I say no to that and continue to live with my aunt and uncle who were much more strict with me than with her?  My aunt did things like take all the drawers out of my cousin's furniture so she wouldn't take it.  The whole situation was handled in an extremely juvenile way on both sides, which is pathetic considering my aunt was the adult in the situation.

I was going to school, coming home and napping, and then working full time waiting tables.  I was incredibly lonely, depressed, and had next to no friends at my new high school.  It was pretty pitiful.  I even dyed my hair black and wore all black.  It was a very dark time for me.  I'm really embarrassed when I see people from that high school because I was so different and I don't feel like I was myself at all

The issues between us arose because she would spend more time at her boyfriend's house than at our apartment.  Like I said before, I was lonely.  She was my best and only friend in town and when she wasn't at the apartment I had no one else.  I started to call my mom all the time and we worked out some of our issues over the phone.  One day on the phone she asked if I wanted to come home.  I said yes and within hours she and my dad were at my apartment helping me pack and move out.

My mom paid to break the lease and for my share of the bills (electricity, insurance, etc).  I later found out my dad had paid her too.  She was upset that I was leaving, and I completely understand why.  She would either have to move back to her parents (and our moving out had caused a big rift between us and that part of the family), move in with her boyfriend, or take on the apartment lease by herself.

She ended up moving in with her boyfriend (now her fiance).  I received a letter a couple weeks after moving back to Austin that had copies of the bills and a letter asking for us to pay her for breaking the lease and for the bills.  I called her and told her my mom had paid her.  My mom called her and told her she had paid her.  (At this point we were still in the dark about my dad also paying her.)  After that things were tense and we stopped all communication.

At my dad's funeral we put everything in the past and it was like the apartment argument had never happened.  Then a couple of weeks after the funeral I get a phone call asking to pay her back for the bills...again.  It was then that I realized that our relationship would never work and I stopped all communication with her. 

We had to sell my dad's things because no one had the space or need for them.  One of these things was his gun case.  A couple months after the funeral when all of the money was being put into an account my mom asked my uncle about the gun case, and he said he had given the money to my cousin because I owed her money.  That was extremely disappointing to hear but not at all surprising.

And I wish I didn't know her.

Student Loans and Stress

There is only one thing that really, truly stresses me out on a daily basis.  Money.

I've always hated money.  I hate what it does to people who go from having nothing to having more money than they thought was ever possible.  I hate that when my dad died I had a family member ask me for money.  I hate how people who have always been "comfortable" don't understand the struggle that others with less go through on a daily basis.

Of course, I appreciate money for some things like you know, eating, a place to live, basic necessities...but as long as I can pay my bills, have some spending money, and save a little I don't need anything more.

An article from September of this year discusses the crazy tuition hikes we've seen that don't at all reflect inflation.  Connecticut State University is in talks to freeze tuition and fees.  (Texas, you hearing this?)  In the past 32 years tuition has risen by over 1000%!  That's THREE zeros!

What's shocking is that now student loan debt surpasses credit card debt in America.  In other words, WE ARE SCREWED.  There are not enough jobs available for college grads.  When we do find a job our ginormous loan payments cause us to not spend in other areas college graduates have had the fortune of spending on in the past--homes, cars, etc.  It not only hurts us, but it hurts our economy.  It's just one more reason our country is in this financial disaster.

Honestly, it's not unlike the housing fiasco that got us into this recession in the first place.  Just like banks gave money freely to people to buy larger houses than they could really afford, banks gave out student loans like they were going out of style...oh wait.

Since graduating from college I have not had one job that needed a college degree.  Sure, it helped me get the job I applied for and the company likes that a college graduate is intelligent enough to interact with clients, but my mounting student loan debt is a joke next to my salary and I could have done this 5 years ago right out of high school.  My struggle to pay my bills is real and not fun.  My parents help me every. single. month.  I'm pretty sure I have an ulcer (or kidney disease or cancer or a panic attack or diabetes according to WebMD).  I can't eat without feeling sick.  I wake up nauseous.  I'm losing weight (though I'm not really complaining about that).

I'm a smart girl.  But I was very, very dumb with the choices I made in college that will now haunt me for the remainder of my financial life.  I should NOT have taken out so many student loans.  I should have applied for grants and scholarships.  I should NOT have majored in English and instead chosen a major on a definite career path.  A Liberal Arts degree is junk unless paired with a graduate degree or specialization of some sort.  But by golly, I can read, write, and discuss literature with the best of 'em!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day 9-- Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

I don't feel like answering this today so here's a Spanish proverb I like:

How beautiful it is to do nothing and then rest afterward.

[Photo by Kamuro]

Monday, November 8, 2010

Too good not to share

[Image courtesy of]

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell

Honestly (and this feels like such a cop out), but see Day 4.  That was my hell for about 6 months...

Thankfully at this point no one is making my life hell.  I'm really happy with where I am and who I am right now, and I can only see things getting better.


As some of you may know I'm currently having a weight loss competition with one of my besties.  I would like to lose weight for Julie's wedding but the only way that I can lose weight is if I make it a game.  That's why I like Boot Camps or classes at the gym more than jumping on the elliptical for an hour.  I get so bored. 

I've finally found the secret to weight loss.  Are you ready for this life changing bit of information I'm about to tell you?  DANCING!  No, not in a studio like I did when I was in high school.  I mean dancing in bars to loud, booming music to the point that you are sore the next day.

Losing weight is sort of a double edged sword, because while my clothes are fitting clothes are fitting looser.  I'm going to have to go shopping for new clothes!  Woo!  I guess it's not that terrible.

I hope you had a wonderful weekend!  Mine was full of birthday celebrations AND DANCING!

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for

My family makes life worth living for. 

I strive to be a person my dad would be proud of, and when I screw up I am determined to fix my mistakes and move forward because I know that is what he would expect of me.

I try to be a role model for my younger cousins.  No family is perfect and sometimes I feel like my family is the furthest thing from it, so I want my younger cousins to have positive influences in their lives who they can relate to.  The ten year age difference between us is perfect because they see me as a friend, but at the same time they know I'm an adult and are conscious of the decisions I've made such as graduating from college, getting my own apartment, and paying my own bills.

I am so grateful for the rest of my family as well.  I look forward to growing old with them and continuing to share Thanksgivings and Christmases with our expanding families.  I can't wait for all of us to get married and start families and for our kids to be best friends just like my cousins and I have been since we were kids.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Day 6-- Something you hope you never have to do

I hope I never have to attend a close friend or family member's funeral while we're still young.

It is always so tragic when someone leaves this earth too soon.  I would be devastated to lose a close friend or one of my cousins.  Of course I would be devastated with the death of anyone I'm close to, but when someone young dies it's seems unfair that they didn't get a long life like my grandmas or grandpas. 

Let's go forth on this Saturday on a happy note.  THXTHXTHX is one of my favorite blogs.  The notes are the writers "daily exercise in gratitude."

[image courtesy of]

Friday, November 5, 2010

So amazing how people change

Jay-Z is a former crack dealer turned successful rapper and producer.  He's coming out with a memoir next week and after reading some of the excerpts I'm really looking forward to this book.

The New York Post has some excerpts here.

I really like the cover art as well.

I love my friends

That is all.

Day 5-- Something you hope to do in your life

I'm 23 (almost 24...yikes!) so there is so much that I hope to do in my life.  At this point the number one goal that I am actively aiming for is to open my own art gallery.

For most people that know me that doesn't seem like it would be my go-to answer, but working in Florida made me realize what I want to do.  While in Florida I was one of the directors of my uncle's non-profit organization for children aging out of the foster care system.  If you haven't educated yourself on the tragedy that is the foster care system in America, please do so.  There are articles here and here to give you some information.

I knew moving back to Austin that I wanted to continue to work in the non-profit sector.  I love the marketing aspect of business, and I can use my skills in that for marketing and fundraising for a non-profit organization.  Making bank for a non-profit is much more attractive to me than being a droid in a corporation.  I want to have an impact on the world and I think my art gallery is a great way to do it.

The plan is that my art gallery will support other non-profits via donations and art auctions.  I don't have any of the specifics yet, but I'd like to feature a non-profit organization either monthly, quarterly, or possibly yearly.  It will take more research and experience to figure that out.  The art would ideally come from the organization being sponsored and could be a variety of mediums--paint, sculpture, drawings.  The more varied the art the better, I say!  Pieces could also be donated by supporters to be auctioned and cash donations would be accepted to help the gallery pay for fixed costs (rent, electricity, salaries, etc.).

I'll probably have to continue working my full time job in addition to the gallery for a while so that I can pay my personal bills and put money into the gallery myself.  So two full time jobs at once...awesome!  It's ok.  Sleep is for the weak.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day 4-- Something you have to forgive someone for

A couple days ago when I wrote about something I love about myself, one thing was how I forgive rather freely.  Go ahead and refresh your memory on the forgiveness steps.  I'll wait.  Ok, got it?

Apologies are very important to me because it denotes a closure in a sometimes circular argument.  One side (or both) is conceding their "victory."  I appreciate and need closure in an argument in order to feel like the person who hurt me acknowledges and understands that their actions aren't ok with me and should not be repeated in the future.  After the apology, I move on and am over the argument.  However, no apology = grudge for life.

I realize this isn't healthy and it affects me more than it will ever affect the person I hold the grudge against.  There is one group of girls in particular that I've had a really hard time forgiving.  I want to forgive them just to get rid of the anger and hurt that they caused, but every time I think of the events that transpired and how things were handled I get upset all over again.

In the Fall of my Junior year things were going great.  I was living in my sorority house with my two best friends, making good grades (my first semester to almost get a 4.0), meeting cute boys at frat parties, and having an all around blast.  But when you're on top of the world you eventually fall down.

We would all pregame together, party together, walk home in our shacker wear together...but something wasn't quite right.  My best friends' behavior and attitude towards me was changing and I didn't know what was going on. 

One night we had a group of girls in our suite to watch Grey's Anatomy before heading downtown--our usual Thursday ritual.  During the show I started to get ready during the commercials.  No one else did.  I asked if we were still going out.  They said no.  That was fine with me because I was still hanging out with my besties.  I quit getting ready and actually took my makeup off and was ready to get comfy and stay in for the night.

After the show I left the room to do something and when I came back all of the girls were gone.  I went downstairs to see if they were in the room of one of the girls who had been watching Grey's with us.  No roomies, just the girl who lived there.  I asked her if they knew where my roomies were.  She told me they were getting ready to go downtown but didn't want me to go. 

It felt like I had been punched in the stomach.  I had known something was up, but why would the girls who I thought were my best friends not want me around?  She told me they thought I was partying too much.  Oh, I was so hurt.  I ran back up to my room where they were now changing to go out.  I locked myself in my room.  They left but not before taking obligatory going out pics on the balcony...ya know, where everyone could see them, including me.  I had never felt this sort of pain.  I was being shunned by the girls who I had pledged my sorority with, experienced two life-changing years of college with, gone on trips with, shared crazy memories was too much to handle.

I called one of my good friends who was in a different sorority (I didn't want to involve anyone else from mine) and asked her to come over.  I didn't want to be alone.  She came over (thank God) and made me feel better.  I am so thankful for her helping me calm down and go to bed that night.  Before I went to bed I threw my bottle of vodka away...on the sidewalk.  I tend to have a flair for dramatics.

Things weren't the same after that night.  There was a tension between us.  I tried to patch things and work on our friendships, but they wanted nothing to do with me unless I changed.  That was really hard.  I didn't drink for a couple months after that because I was really concerned that my friends thought I had a problem.  What's strange is while I immediately stopped drinking and partying they continued to do so.  It didn't make any sense to me.  It was like I was doing everything wrong while trying to get back in their good graces and they weren't working on mending the friendship at all.

Then I got angry.

Our other roommate seemed to essentially take my place in the circle of friends while I was relegated to outsider.  Like any group of girls, our sorority had its cliques and I was ostracized from my group of friends because of the situation with my roommates.  My life sucked for a couple of months and I moved out of the sorority house and into my parents house for a while, commuting to and from school each day.

More and more crap happened--meetings with advisors and the president of the sorority, huge blow ups between my roommate and I (the one that I shared a bedroom with), documents signed because I was viewed as a threat.  The girl who I shared a bedroom with (and the one who took my place in our circle of friends) reported me to someone on the Executive Board because of two incidents. 

The first was that I locked her out of the room.  I don't remember why I locked it but I do remember it wasn't a malicious act at all.  I think I thought she wasn't going to be back anytime soon and I locked it so I wouldn't be bothered.  She flipped out and banged and yelled from the other side of the door.  I immediately unlocked it so she could come into our room.  It really wasn't a big deal.  Or so I thought.

The second incident was after we had been living with the tension in our suite and we pretty much hated each other.  I had come home late one night after a party and turned on the lights, completely disregarding her.  I was being a bitch--remember the flair for dramatics?  Not long after that she came home late one night and turned on the lights.  I asked her to turn them off.  She said that since I had turned them on while she was sleeping she could turn them on while I was sleeping.  I got up to turn them off.  She turned on the lamp in between our beds.  I turned it off.  She went to turn it back on and I slapped her hand away.  All hell broke loose after that and she dramatically said, "Don't hit me!"  She gathered her things and left to sleep somewhere else.  I knew I would be in trouble.

Everything escalated until we were living in a hate-filled suite with no communication whatsoever.  It is the strangest thing in the world to live with three people who at one time were your very closest friends to people who you don't even speak to. 

Eventually I moved rooms and lived with an adorable girl who was a joy to live with.  We weren't close friends but we were perfect roommates.

To this day I am not sure why they decided to ostracize me from the group.  It's apparent I didn't have a drinking problem because I could immediately stop with the partying.  We had had issues in the past because they were a part of a secret organization that I wasn't asked to be in.  (The excuse being that they didn't think I could handle it because my dad had recently died.  Good call!  Don't include me and keep secrets from me because I just lost one of the most important persons in my life!)  Perhaps it had something to do with that.

I can recognize today that my actions during that time were the same as if I had experienced a loss.  My best friends and I broke up.  Suddenly.  With no warning.
A year after all of that happened I wrote my two ex-best friends letters letting them know how I was sorry for how I handled the situation and asked if we could be cordial to one another.  At all of our sorority events we still didn't speak or even really acknowledge the other person.  I put the letters in their mailboxes at the sorority house.  Neither ever responded to me in any way and we continued to hang on to that tension through our Senior year.

Today I want to forgive them.  I want this burden to be lifted off of my heart, and I want them to know that we all made mistakes in that situation.  I'm sorry for the disrespectful things I said and did.  They might never apologize for their actions, and they might not even think they did anything wrong.  There are two sides to every story.  But I know that I don't want to continue holding this grudge against them.  I'm not being fair to myself by continuing to do so.  I forgive you.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day 3-- Something you have to forgive yourself for

It's been on my mind for the past 4 years and to this day I feel guilty about it.  I've talked to family about it and they've reassured me that I made the right choice, but I'm still so unsure. 

I'm terrified that I killed my dad.  When he was on life support my family was in the waiting room just...waiting.  That whole situation is really a blur for me.  I had received a call from my aunt earlier that day telling me they were taking my dad to the emergency room and to leave for Houston because they weren't sure he would make it.  I sobbed the entire ride.

We had known he had cancer for about three weeks and it was Stage Four esophageal cancer that had also spread to another body part--liver or pancreas, I don't remember.  He had immediately decided to tackle his cancer as aggressively as possible with both chemo and radiation.  (God, this is so hard to write.) 

My dad was obviously in a lot of pain.  He had lost an incredible about of weight in a very short time.  I think it was because he wasn't allowed to eat solid food.  The tumors in his esophagus might have caused him to choke.  I actually gave him his last meal.  When I was visiting him in the hospital one weekend he said he was hungry so I grabbed some Culver's burgers and headed over.  He loved it.  He said it was way better than the hospital food.  I'm really glad we got to share that together.

I drove as fast as I could to the hospital.  I had been taking a summer class in Austin so I was only visiting him on the weekends.  Had I understood how terrible and deadly cancer is I would have dropped the class and been with him the entire time.  I had no idea how bad "Stage Four" was.  Everyone I had ever known to have cancer had gone through their treatments and lived.  People don't die from cancer and especially not people I know.

When I arrived at the hospital my family was in the waiting room of the ICU.  They were only letting two of us go back at a time so I had to wait until someone left his room.  I finally got to see him and it was just tubes and a hospital bed.  My dad didn't look like my dad.  He was bloated and unresponsive.  I asked the nurse how long he would be like this.  If he was going to die.  I don't know if she meant to scold me, but she told me not to say those things around him because he might hear me.

I couldn't stand to see him like that.  I didn't spend a whole lot of time with him in his room.  I wanted answers.  My cousin is a nurse and told me that Stage Four esophageal cancer is basically a death sentence and that they never should have given him so much chemo and radiation.  My grandma asked me if I wanted to take him off life support.  People were telling me the only reason he was still breathing was because of the machines.  I know the decision was made with other family members' input, but if I had said no I wonder if they would have gone with my decision. 

We took him off life support.  I was holding him as he died.  My family held hands and prayed over his body.

I need to forgive myself for taking him off life support.  I know it wasn't my decision alone, and I recently learned that he had signed a "Do Not Resuscitate" document.

My dad was a fighter and the strongest guy I knew.  Some of my fondest memories are from when I was a kid and he would let me crawl all over him.  I would ride on his shoulders, hold his leg and make him walk with me there--I miss him so much.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Pretty Pearls

It's definitely not your classic single strand pearl necklace, but it's a beautiful, timeless piece.  Do want!

From J. Crew

Day 2-- Something you love about yourself

Oh, this is easy!  I love everything about me!  ...just kidding.  :)

There are some things that I do love about myself though.  I think I love my hyperactivity the most.  It's caused me to be extremely active and always looking for something to do.  I get bored very easily.  I have to be around people.  I get restless when plans aren't made and I'm proactive about getting friends together to do random activities.

I love that my friends are so social too, because it lends itself nicely to my personality...which I guess is the reason why we're friends?

At one point in college I felt like I was the only person that would make plans and gather the troops.  I was really annoyed with my situation.  It was like no one else wanted to do anything but sit around unless I said, "Hey!  Let's go hang out at The Capitol and play hide and go seek!"  (By the way, that's really fun if you haven't tried it.)  I realize now that there was no reason to feel that way.  Even if I was the person with the plan, everyone jumped on board and we would have a great time.  Luckily I got over myself.

I'm so moody sometimes.  Hormones?  I don't know. 

Just for funsies here's another thing I love about me: I forgive.

Sure, I'm a moody girl, but I get over things really quickly.

Example: You forgot to invite me on the NOLA trip next month?  Wow, that really sucks!  Why am I friends with you?  You can just forget me like that?   ...Ok, over it.  Y'all have fun!  Can't wait to see the pictures!  Maybe get a drunk dial from Bourbon Street? 

That's a true story by the way.  My friends did forget about me (also the reason for this emo post), but like always, I got over it really quickly.  There are 3 little steps to take to ensure that I will forgive you.

1. Own up to whatever you did to hurt my feelings.
2. Say you're sorry.
3.  Hug me.  (I really love hugs.)

That's it.  Do that and I'm putty in your hands.  BFFS4LYFE again!  However, if you fail to follow those three steps, I fail to get over whatever happened.  It's not pretty but I can hold a mean grudge.  Not one of my best qualities.  It stems from my inability to trust people who hurt me, and in my little head, if you follow the forgiveness steps then you are a nice, good, trustworthy person and I will continue to be your friend.

It's not complicated.


Don't forget that today is Election Day!  Go vote!  It's so important that you exercise this right.  We are incredibly blessed to live in this country where everyone can vote and say what they want and we're not persecuted for our actions.  I love America :)

I really like this quote from blogger Kristen after she went to Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert's joint rallies in Washington D.C.: "The rally was a reminder of how blessed we are to live in the United States, a place where everyone gets a vote, where we are free to share our opinions, where government is changed without bloodshed or military coups, and where differing political views may polarize, but never jeopardize our safety or our economic standing.  In a time when so much political animosity abounds, it was refreshing to see so many people come together to say, hey, LET’S TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH.  We’ve got it pretty good."

[images courtesy of and]

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Perfect Man

We see him in pretty much every RomCom.  He's the nice guy who is also funny with some quirk to him.  Girls might not immediately like him because of the quirk, but in the end it's endearing and he gets the girl.  Or whatever.

My perfect man has the following qualities:

Gentlemanly:  This really isn't that hard and I'm not sure why guys have so much trouble with this but open the dang door for girls!  If you are on a date you better be paying for her.  And for goodness sake ASK HER OUT!  I'm totally cool with the Girl Power movement that's been going on for the past couple of decades.  I'm a feminist.  I love equality, but I also genuinely appreciate a Southern Gent.  This is a must.

Treats me like a princess: I was incredibly spoiled by my daddy because he literally did treat me like a princess.  I was the most important girl in the world to him.  He showered me with gifts and affection like any father should, and now I expect the same from the man of my dreams.  Think about it guys: when you have a daughter don't you want her boyfriend to think the absolute world of her?  Would you feel comfortable giving her away to a husband that treated her ok and was sort of nice to her sometimes? 

Independent:  As a single girl, I would love to constantly be around my perfect man, but realistically when I'm in a relationship I need me time and I need girl time and neither of those involve my man.  Plus, it's really annoying when you plan an activity with your girls and then one of them brings along their guy.  It ruins up the whole vibe, and topics become off limit because he's there and others might feel awkward about opening up to him.  Unnecessary.  My guy should be comfortable without me.  We are not attached at the hip.  Be free little bird!

Is a badass: It doesn't matter exactly what he's a badass in, but Napoleon Dynamite was right.  Girls like guys with skills.  Soccer, dog walking, cooking, jay walking...he needs to have a passion for something and excel in it.

Has a job: I have one.  You should too.  I can't stand slackers.

Same values: He's gotta love him some Jesus.  Our kids are going to be raised Christian so there's that.  And he should be socially liberal, fiscally conservative.  Equality for all and smart spending?  Yes please!

So if you happen to see my perfect man in your neck of the woods, I give you permission to give him my number. 

[image courtesy of]

Day 1-- Something you hate about yourself

Last week I decided to do 30 days of blogging to answer some pretty deep questions.  I figured it'd be interesting for me to think about and it'd teach you things about me that you probably otherwise would never know about.  Seriously, how many times have you had a casual conversation at a party about the person who hurt you the most?  Probably never.  That's usually saved for a more quiet, personal discussion with close friends.  Not in BlogLand!  Home of the Free, Land of the Over-sharers.

So for today: I hate that I'm so forgetful.

I have the worst memory of anyone I know.  I constantly have to write things down to remind me of my day to day tasks.  But it's not the day to day things that really bother me about my forgetfulness.  It's the important life memories that I can't recall completely that really bothers me.  This is especially heart breaking when it comes to memories with people that are no longer a part of my life because we either drifted apart or they died.  I so want to remember every single detail that I shared with my dad or my grandpa or my childhood friends.

At the same time, I really only remember the good times from the past.  I have a habit of blocking out the bad things that happened.  My mom told me that part of the reason why we moved from Westlake to South Austin when I was a kid was because the other kids made fun of me and I would come home crying.  I have no recollection of my classmates hurting my feelings.  I don't even know the reason they were making fun of me.  All I recall from elementary school is meeting my best friend and having an awesome time with her and all of our friends.  Trick-or-Treating, school carnivals, cheer-offs (a la Bring It On before that movie even came out) on the playground, Live Oak, learning to play the recorder, Tamigchis and Limited Too...those things I can remember.  They were so important to elementary age me.

That's how most of my childhood memories are.  I only remember the good.  I remember riding on my daddy's shoulders through parks.  I remember my grandpa giving me orange tic tacs and a pack of lifesavers every time I saw him.  When I was a little girl, the funniest thing to me was when my grandpa would fall asleep and his snores would shake the house and his dentures would peak out between his lips.  The visual still makes me laugh.  Certain things (like orange tic tacs and lifesavers) always bring a smile to my face.  I didn't really like orange flavored things before my dad died.  Usually I'd give the orange flavored bits of candy to friends because I wouldn't eat it, but now I can't share that flavor.  It's almost as if by sharing it I feel like I'm giving away a piece of my dad.  And I can't pass up those sugary orange slices either.

Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise that I have only positive memories.  According to my memory, I had the best childhood in the history of the world!  And I ate a lot of candy.

[images courtesy of and]

Friday, October 29, 2010

It's all personal

"Don't take it personally."  

"No offense, but..."

"...just kidding!"

All of these phrases are such cop outs.  If you're doing or saying something rude or offensive, it's going to be taken personally and you're probably hurting someone's feelings.  

Recently, I've been working non-stop.  My work days are 11 hours long and I work 7 days a week.  It's all ending next week, and I don't think I'll be taking on another second job for a while.  I miss my free time and I miss choosing how I spend it.  Well, I suppose I still choose how to spend my extremely limited free time, but I prefer to be with friends and I have to basically "ration" myself in order to see each group of friends.

I have a couple of different groups of friends: the soro-sisters, the friends from high school, the friends from college, and the friends from my childhood as well as random strangers I meet and befriend.  They get their own category.  So that's five groups of friends that don't really know each other and therefore my time between them is split.

Since I've had to "ration" my free time I haven't been seeing each group of friends as much and I feel a little forgotten and left out by some of them.  I know there's the whole out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing, but friendships are really important to me, and when I feel left out or unwanted I usually get really quiet when I'm around them and slowly drift away from that group.  I like to know that my presence is wanted and that (especially when my time is limited) it's appreciated.  I don't want a parade with a full band and multiple flower covered floats announcing my arrival (although let's be honest, I wouldn't be against it), but remembering me when plans are made would be nice.

I don't feel wanted or loved or appreciated by some of my friends, and that's not right or acceptable.

Plain and simple, my feelings are hurt. 


On a much lighter and happier note:


I have some of my very favorite memories from college (and life!) with this girl.  She is my sorority sister, college roommate, and best friend.  She is one of the best friends I could ever have asked for and I am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life.  I know that she has made me a better person and I am so thankful for her.  Love you B.C!!
Fall 2005 First ADPi Party

OU Weekend 2008

Spontaneous Pumpkin Patch Photoshoot

Christmas Card 2008
Britney Concert!!!

NOLA 2010