Wednesday, December 1, 2010

What's wrong with me?

Why do I constantly feel so emotional?  I feel like something is wrong with me.  Do other people constantly feel like they're trying too hard?

I generally feel comfortable in any social situation I'm in, but lately I've felt really insecure, even around close friends.  Like something I'll say will make them not like me anymore.  I know it's probably untrue, because if they're my friends a stupid, awkward comment won't make them dislike me, but for some reason I find myself second guessing the things I do and say around everyone.

And that's just it.  I feel awkward.  Something is missing in my life and I think it's love.

I have so much love to give.  And I am so much better at loving people than hating or even simply liking a person.  Love is who I am and it is what I feel on a daily basis.  But I'm ready for something deeper.

I came to the realization the other day that I have been single for almost a year and a half now.  That's more time than my last relationship lasted.  And it was a great relationship, but lately I find myself missing him.  And I think I'm missing the idea of him moreso than actually missing him, which I know isn't where I need to be if I do truly want a relationship.  I know that I need to be comfortable and secure with being me, by myself, no strings attach before I can be ready to give myself to a relationship, but I was there at least six months ago and my dream man wasn't there waiting for me at the end of my "Ready for a Relationship" tunnel.

I'm tired of waiting.  I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of not feeling pretty.  I'm tired of not being told I'm pretty and not being adored by a man who loves me and wants to be with me.  I'm tired of meeting guys who I'm not interested in at all.  And I'm tired of giving them a chance because maybe I'm just not seeing something.

What is wrong with me?  Am I broken?

I really hate being this emotional person.  I hate whining and I hate complaining, but this is where I am right now.  Alone.  And whining and complaining about it.


  1. Would you like my advice? Cuz all my relationships go so well? Sure you would

    I think you come across as a really strong, loud, confident woman (If this is coming as a shock to you, we might have to schedule an intervention) so your choices for guy nabbing are either 1)you being the person that makes the first move and is like "Look, I think you're really great. Do you want to go out on a date?" which tons of guys, especially the shyish ones, super appreciate or 2) finding ways to give off vibes that say you would be open to someone hitting on you. I know it's sad, but men (well, probably people in general) tend to prey on the vulnerable...the one zebra that's strayed from the pack and therefore, easiest to pounce on and catch. Try standing alone somewhere in a corner at a party looking uncomfortable or looking lost or helpless at the grocery store!

    Lol. That sounds kind of ridiculous but seriously. Nothing is broken with you. Another possibility might be that you're too picky. It's really easy to look at a trait that someone has and only see the bad side of it. Like if a guy IS really shy you might feel like he couldn't keep up with you or something, but to me those are the relationships that always work best...when the people have opposing strengths or whatever.

  2. Well, I think you're adorable.