Thursday, December 30, 2010

Toxic Friendships

One of my best friends has the opinion that you should do what makes you happy, and I wholeheartedly agree with him unless that decision will hurt someone else.  I am way too nice to people.  I give way too many "second chances" that are actually fourth and fifth chances.  And this is how I get hurt. 

I want to believe that people are inherently good.  And that they abide by the "treat others as you'd like to be treated rule."  But as time goes on and I get older and wiser, I find that people are not all good.  In fact, people can be very bad and hurtful, and the people who are the most hurtful can be the people you're closest to.

I'm talking about toxic friendships.  The ones where you feel drained and upset and even bad about yourself after an encounter with the "friend."  I have a friend in particular that, when we first started becoming really close friends, was one of the sweetest guys I'd ever met.  So much so that I developed a very short-lived crush on him before realizing we were much better as friends than anything more.

Now that we're a lot closer he knows things about me.  Secrets and personal things that I don't tell just anyone.  Even some things that I only feel comfortable telling him.  And if he's upset with me, even if it's a situation that's out of my control, he uses the things I've told him as missiles to hurt my feelings.

Last night in particular he was very hurtful.  I'm trying very hard to forgive him, but our text message conversation in particular keeps piercing my heart each time I go back and read it.  He was just so mean!  Like every response he made he was trying to hurt my feelings.

I've said it jokingly in the past, but there's a lot of truth to it, too.  I'm a delicate flower.  Yes, I know how lame and ridiculous that sounds, but it sums up me perfectly.  I am hurt really easily.  When someone is mean to me, or forgets about me, or doesn't put as much effort or love into a relationship as I do I get very hurt.

I guess that's what's happening here.  Maybe our relationship has run it's course and we'd be better off not being so close and me not giving him so much of my heart and my attention.  Even the thought of that hurts my heart.  Friendships ending, or even having rough patches, can be just as hard if not harder than relationship problems.

Right now I need to stop intermittently crying, especially since I'm at work.  My eyes are swollen from crying myself to sleep last night so I look like I was punched in the face.  And I'm sad.  It's hard to not cry when you're sad.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Irony (or something...)

To be honest, ever since someone told me that Alanis Morissette's song "Ironic" wasn't correctly describing ironic situations I've been at a loss for what irony actually is, so let's just go with what I think it is--a black fly in your chardonnay.

I was about to write a post on Monday about how I've begun to think that most of my friendships from high school are pointless and we've both moved on and grown apart so getting together for reunions is just something for us to reminisce about and then forget about the person until the next reunion, never trying to continue the relationship past that short encounter...and then I met up with a friend from high school.  Of course I still feel the same way about our brief encounter, but I think it's ironic that the same day I was contemplating a post about meaningless high school friendships I meet up with a dude I knew in high school.

Next topic:  I keep listening to this song.

In the opening scene Diddy is flying in a helicopter over some desert starin' out lookin' all broodin' and shiz, and it got me to thinking.  I want SO BAD to go on a helicopter ride.  SO BAD!  There are a lot of helicopters around.  There has to be someone out there that can give me a little ride around so I can see my city from above and feel like I'm flying.  It's all I want.  I guess I want a lot of things: love, my own home, a brother dog for Cooper, no student loans, but right now, most of all I want this helicopter ride. 

This week is going to be super fun and busy!  Kellsey and Tay are getting in today.  Genevieve and Co. are getting in tomorrow.  Friday I leave to go to a lakehouse for the weekend to celebrate the new year with friends.  I can't wait for all the fun!!  Ooh, and tonight I'm gettin' ma hurr did!  I'm thinking darker.  Low lights and what not.  For the cut, I'm thinking something more dramatic.  Maybe bangs?

Happy New Year!

[image courtesy of here]

Monday, December 27, 2010

Single digits!!!!

So I've been attempting this thing they call a "diet" for a while now.  It all started after my break-up with the ex-boyfrand.  I gained something like 15 pounds after our break-up...gross, huh?  Not to mention the 5-10 I gained when we were still together.  I call that the "love pounds."  He loves me, I gain pounds.  Life isn't fair.

I was getting close to having a 2 before the other digits in my weight.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not about the number, it's about how you feel...whatever.  There is no way in hell I will ever let myself get near that again, unless there's a fetus inside of me.  Then all bets are off and I'm going to town on any and all food I want.  (Don't worry Ma, that won't happen for a long, long time!)

When I moved to Florida my uncle and I made a bet to lose weight since we were both fatties.  Long story short--my aunt cooks food that tastes way too good.  I was depressed.  Neither of us lost weight.

My move back to Austin was definitely for the best.  I was happier and in a place where I had to cook for myself.  That meant one meal a day with a couple of snacks thrown in.  Less food intake, more activity--weight loss was bound to happen.  I lost a little less than 30 pounds just by moving back.  I really wasn't exercising much at first, just going out more with friends, but that seemed to help.  My clothes were getting looser and I was getting closer to my beloved single-digit number in clothes.

Well, my friends...the day has come!  I am officially back into single digits!  I thank my new found love for running and a bet I made with Kellsey as to who could lose the most weight.  I don't actually know that I've lost much weight, but clothes in my closet that haven't fit in two years are loose on me.  I have a ways to go before I'm back to the weight I felt most comfortable in, but I'm making baby steps.

I'm just happy I can fit into the dress I really wanted to wear for New Year's Eve, except it's loose on me!  I'm debating getting another dress now...

The one I've been thinking about is this cute little Betsey Johnson dress I bought for a cocktail party in the Fall of 2007.  I saw it, fell in love, still love it, dream about get the gist.  I'm obsessed with this dress:

But last Fall I found this dress, tried it on, and barfed.  With my extra poundage it was not so hot.  But this year it could work!
Although I don't think my bones stick out of my shoulders quite like the model's do, but like I steps.  (In all honestly, I don't think my bones will ever stick out like that.)

So I'm going to try on the dresses with shoes, coats, jewelry, etc. and figure out what looks best!  Woooooo weight loss!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Kellsey is almost here!!

In 8 days one of my very best friends will be moving back to this great state and I can't wait!!

When she gets here we're going to giggle and jump up and down and act like we're 5 because that's the age we pretty much resort to when together. 

And then we're going to pretend to be big kids and get our hair done all perdy-like, and then we're going to a giant lake house on Lake Travis for the New Year's Eve weekend with a bunch of our friends and we're going to drink champagne and wear high heels and sleep in bunk beds.

And then we're going to get family portraits done a la Christmas 2008 for some other holiday that's coming up...


Friday, December 17, 2010

Merry Christmas to me!

This morning has been interesting...

I woke up 8 minutes before I had to open the office this morning.  I woke up on a friend's couch.  I'm wearing one of his button downs.

I thank God for my amazing friends!  One drove me to work.  One is taking care of my dog since I'm obviously a terrible mother, and she's also picking me up at lunch so I can do all the things I'm supposed to do, namely picking up another friend's cat to take care of him for the weekend...and shower.  Oh man, a shower would be heaven right now.  One brought me a latte and a breakfast taco.  Seriously, how great are my friends?  REALLY GREAT!  I love them!

I'm currently wearing last night's makeup, a men's shirt, and probably still a little bit drunk.  My debit card is MIA, too.  I canceled it because mama's not made of money (even though I act like it...BALLER!).

Today I had big plans for lunch.  A friend of mine is going to New York City, and I'm taking care of her baby kitten for the weekend.  Looks like that angel is going to have to wait until after work to get some love!  I don't have my car here (hence the friend picking me up at lunch).  I'm going to need to get a new debit card at some point too...  Good thing I bought three bottles of wine last night!  Now I have one for my mom's Christmas party tonight and I won't have to worry about that after work, too.  Eating.  That was one of my lunch plans.  Whatevs, who needs to do the things they're responsible for?  Not this girl!

Anyway, the point of this post is to show you what I want for Christmas!  Right?  Right!

Here's my Christmas list in pictures...

First, the one thing I've been dreaming of my entire life!  A helicopter ride.  And it's on sale!


Yummy Candles!

Stuff for dinner parties

And one thing that my lovely friend, Dawn told me she's giving me!!

Oh, and this.  I really want this!

So Santa, whatcha gettin' me for Christmas?  I've been really good this year...sort of.  XOXOX!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

New Year's Kiss!

Everyone wants one.  Unless they've got a bad cold sore and then they hope no one notices their lips.

One of my very best friends is moving back to Austin after mistakenly thinking she should have moved halfway across the country post college.  She came to her senses and at the end of December she'll be here!  Today she gave me the good news that her sexy man friend might be joining her and staying for the New Year's Eve celebration.  I hadn't seen him sine I was in California last year so I checked out his facebook picture.

My first thought?  Mmmmmmm.  The same reaction one would have to say, a cheeseburger.

[Photos courtesy of weheartit and dixneuf]

These are the days of our lives...

Last night I was talking on the phone to my beautiful preggers friend.  She is seriously one of the most awesome people on the planet.  Gorgeous inside and out, incredibly smart, loving and caring.  I miss her so much it hurts sometimes since she lives so far from me now.

We were talking about how different and crazy our lives had become.  I made the statement "I'm sitting here while my blueberry chocolate chip muffins are baking (that was my dinner), having a second cocktail, and watching Gossip Girl before I go play dodgeball...and you're pregnant and married.  How did we get here?"  And we laughed about what a different turn our lives took after college. 

She eloped with the love of her life after knowing him a few months, and I thought I would be with my then-boyfriend of a year for the rest of our lives.  But break-ups happen, people move, babies are made, and here we are! 

It just goes to show you that you can't plan your life.  As much as I have tried, it just isn't possible.  I've recently tried more to let things go and go with the flow.  I was getting really stressed trying to plan my life, but our conversation really made me reflect and realize that I don't have control, God does.  So I'm going to leave things up to Him and hope that I like the plans He has for me!
 [photo courtesy of colormehkrazy]

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

New Year Rezzies

I've been thinking about my resolutions for 2011 lately since, in case you were completely unaware like I was until about two days ago, January comes after Decemeber!  And it's a different year...usually.  This is just what I've learned from the internet and we all know everything on the internet is a lie.  So really, maybe we're just entering January 2010?  I guess my iPhone will let me know when we get there. 

In any case, January is the time to start new year's rezzies historically so...submitted for the approval of The Midnight Society, I give you:

Nicole's 2011 Rezzies

1.  No swear words, unless I'm wearing a sailor costume (Halloween 2011 idea? I think so!)
2.  Don't use the word "hate."  It's too negative and makes people think you're pessimistic.
3.  Run n' stuff.  Stuff = dodgeball, kickball.  Anything where balls routinely smack me in the face.
4.  Walk/bike to work at least once a week.  Because I'm like, 8 blocks away.  Maybe 6 depending on how you look at it.
5.  Get a bed!  The mattress on the floor is reminiscent of drug addicts and last I checked I'm not one sooooo... (Geezus, it's been over 6 months and I'm still on the floor!)

That's a lot of resolutions.  Guh.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Things happen

And I know they happen for a reason...

Today I was feeling down.  (That's happening more often than not.  wtf life?!)  I came across this on the interwebs and it made me feel better.
So here are some pictures that I've found that make me happy.  Everyone needs a little pretty to brighten their day!

And my favorite song:

Like A G6

I don't care how overplayed it is on the radio/my cell phone.  When that song comes on I want to dance and party and yell the lyrics at the top of my lungs!

[Photos courtesy of gussysews, tasiajanay143, trashmaker, and hydeordie]

Actual Gchat Conversation

My friend sent me this gchat made me lolz.

A:  I can add someone to my Linkedin network if I hooked up with them at a frat party in college right?
B Sure!
That's a connection
 Networking at its finest
A lol!
Thank you greek system for the many treasures you presented me with during my undergraduate career
B That's why sororities help you get jobs
And why greeks hire greeks
They know you put out.

My friends are funny.  And inappropriate. 

Monday, December 6, 2010

Where da internetz?

I had no internet at my apartment from oh, about 7 o' clock Friday night right when my dinner guests arrived and I needed some mood music until midnight Sunday as I lay me down to sleep and watched The Office (Dwight, marry me.  I will try to love beets.)  While most people would fix this prob by calling their good 'ol cable company, that option wasn't one.  You see, I don't pay for cable.  Or internet.  I borrow from my generous and unwilling neighbors who can't stand my dog and don't say hi to me when we bump into each other on our shared 2'x2' porch.  It's a lovely relationship. 

Thank the cable gods that we're up and running again and I am up to date with the goings-on of my future babydaddy.  You wanna know how I know he's going to be the best dad ever?  While holding baby CeCe:  "You know it's not really necessary for me to sit here holding her all night. Just go into Gabe's refrigerator, get a lump of suet, or any kind of congealed animal fat will do really, tie a piece of string to it and the other end to her toe, put the suet in her mouth, she'll be happy for hours."

Oh this face...

And that bod...
It's love.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Cuddles with my puppy

Yesterday was Cooper's 3rd birthday and I was an absolutely terrible mother.  I didn't take him on a morning run because I was lazy, I worked all day, I had our office holiday party after work, and then two dodge ball games immediately after that.  Thankfully my mom is a gem and fed and him and took him for a walk so he would be ok until I got home.

I grabbed him after the games (which we won!) so he could come to Doc's for "happy hour" with the team.  Apparently people are wimps and couldn't handle the cold so I was stuck outside, just Coop and I.  Some friends joined me after I kept looking at them longingly and forcing Cooper to give them his token puppy dog eyes.

I guess it was sort of cold outside because my poor birthday pup was shivering.  I put my sweater on him and thought we were done with that, but at 5 in the morning he came to my bed and woke me up, shivering again.  I motioned for him to jump in bed and get under my warm down comforter and he did so with lightning speed!  That poor baby was so cold so we cuddled under the covers.  And then he farted.

Happy birthday Cooper!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

What's wrong with me?

Why do I constantly feel so emotional?  I feel like something is wrong with me.  Do other people constantly feel like they're trying too hard?

I generally feel comfortable in any social situation I'm in, but lately I've felt really insecure, even around close friends.  Like something I'll say will make them not like me anymore.  I know it's probably untrue, because if they're my friends a stupid, awkward comment won't make them dislike me, but for some reason I find myself second guessing the things I do and say around everyone.

And that's just it.  I feel awkward.  Something is missing in my life and I think it's love.

I have so much love to give.  And I am so much better at loving people than hating or even simply liking a person.  Love is who I am and it is what I feel on a daily basis.  But I'm ready for something deeper.

I came to the realization the other day that I have been single for almost a year and a half now.  That's more time than my last relationship lasted.  And it was a great relationship, but lately I find myself missing him.  And I think I'm missing the idea of him moreso than actually missing him, which I know isn't where I need to be if I do truly want a relationship.  I know that I need to be comfortable and secure with being me, by myself, no strings attach before I can be ready to give myself to a relationship, but I was there at least six months ago and my dream man wasn't there waiting for me at the end of my "Ready for a Relationship" tunnel.

I'm tired of waiting.  I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of not feeling pretty.  I'm tired of not being told I'm pretty and not being adored by a man who loves me and wants to be with me.  I'm tired of meeting guys who I'm not interested in at all.  And I'm tired of giving them a chance because maybe I'm just not seeing something.

What is wrong with me?  Am I broken?

I really hate being this emotional person.  I hate whining and I hate complaining, but this is where I am right now.  Alone.  And whining and complaining about it.

My Engagement

When the man of my dreams asks me to marry him I want my rock to have this cut.  It's the Official Gemstone Cut of Texas, because of course we have that.

And I'll say no if it's anything else.

I love Texas :)

[Photo Courtesy of]