Wednesday, October 13, 2010


Do you ever come to a realization about something and realize your life will never, ever be the same ever again if you act on that realization?  I did.  Today.  Well actually, it all culminated today, but I've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now and sort of getting opinions from friends and my mom.

I don't like the person I am right now on the surface.  I don't like what I perceive people perceive of me.  I know there needs to be a change in a big way and I'm going to have to pull on some big girl pants and get to it.

There are certain things that I want in life more than anything else, and I'm finally at a point where I think I can get these things if I just start living my life the way I know I need to live it.

A couple of things:

1.  I need to start going back to church.  To my church.  To Lake Hills Church where I felt so comforted by God's word every Sunday and met so many beautiful, inspiring, wonderful women who ultimately, though through my own thoughts and prayers, are the reason I am returning to my church.  I still cannot get on board with thinking homosexuality is a sin, but hopefully I can help others to realize the hypocrisy in this thinking.  Church grounded me for the week and reminded me why I was here on this Earth, and I'd like that again.

2.  Running makes me ridiculously happy and I need to do it more often.  I need to do it more often because I'm tired of feeling like there's too much on my body.  I'm sure that sounds weird, but when I see myself in the mirror I don't think "ew, disgusting, you're fat, lose weight."  It's honestly not a bad visual if I do say so myself.  But it's the feeling of this much weight on my body that drags me down.  I can especially feel this when exercising.  I cannot run as fast or as far until I lose some weight.  My early 20s will hitherto be known as "Nicole's Fat Phase."  Also, check out my other blog!  (I get bored easily.)

3.  I miss love.  Sure, I love my friends and family and my precious, sweet, angel-puppy more than anything and I know that I am very loved, but I miss being in love.  I miss the feeling when your man calls you and you're so giddy with excitement before, during, and after the conversation and you smile so big it feels like your mouth is going to explode and you just can't contain the feeling you're feeling and you want everyone to know how fabulous your special guy is.  And when you touch there feels like there are literal sparks flying from every part of your body and you can't get enough of each other and constantly want to be together, even if it's just laying in a field not saying anything, as long as you're with that person everything is perfect.  That's what I want. 

4.  I need to read more and not just blogs and websites but real, tangible books!  My mind needs some stimulation other than from a computer screen.  I miss college, and most of all I miss the intellectual discussions I had in college.  I miss reading a couple of chapters (or an entire book if it was that sort of professor) and then talking about them with my peers, picking apart each and every detail until I had a grasp on an entirely new concept the author tried to convey that I would never have noticed on my own.  I especially love philosophical talks and discussing the what ifs, how comes and the whys.  I think that is probably my favorite question.  Why?  [Sidenote: I love that "why" and "because" are basically the same word in Spanish, because I have this mental image of a Mexican man and woman having the following exchange: Por que?  Porque.  Por que?  Porque!  Por que?  PORQUE!!  And scene.]

5.  I really need to be better about staying in touch with friends, especially the ones who have made an impact on my life and helped to mold me into who I am today.  What's funny is I bet some of my friends have no idea just how big of an impact they may have had on me.  (HB, You taught me a life lesson in Vegas and I'm sorry that you had to be the one to do it and that it affected our relationship, but I am so thankful for you and for that experience because I know I am a better friend and a better person because of it.)  Some of my friends that I haven't even been that close to have been so inspiring with how they live their lives that it makes me strive to be a better person.

So those are the big 5 things that have been weighing heavily on my mind lately, and that ultimately, if I decide to follow this path, will lead me to my happy place.  I'm not there right now.  Like I said, I know the changes I have to make, but making them is the hard part.  Responsibility is the hard part, although sometimes responsibility can be fun!  Right?  Right?!  I'm going to go with yes.

And I love 2pac...

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