Wednesday, September 1, 2010

My biggest fear

I emailed my grandma to make a phone date for this weekend and her response was telling.  It was about three sentences long.  She agreed on the time, asked if I was going to church, and asked if Cooper and I had a boyfriend.  Not just me.  Cooper, too.  Like I said...telling.

No Grandma, I'm not going to church.  I'm currently at odds with Christianity.  Sure, Jesus is my homeboy, but I am really, really struggling with how the church handles certain issues and I don't like hypocrites.  So there's that. 

No Grandma, Cooper and I don't have a boyfriend.  Why does this EFFING question keep coming up?  It's seriously freaking me out.  Is my biological clock ticking?  Am I the only one who doesn't hear it? 

Which brings me to my biggest fear...growing old alone.  The thing is I know I'm only 23 years old.  That's not old.  It's like my fear of dying a virgin when I was in high school (yes, that was a legitimate fear of mine--but what if I had died of leukemia or meningitis or any other disease teenagers seems to get).  I think it's because throughout the day I think of all the things that can go wrong, like a building falling over, or a bridge collapsing, or my apartment burning down, or getting mugged in my parking lot...the list goes on.  Maybe my real fear is of death?

Anyway, I have this life plan in my head.  It's a very rough draft, as a life plan should be, and I can fill in and take out goals as I go along.  It includes "The Big Three" -- Engagement, Marriage, Kids.  This is it roughly from now until I'm 40:
23-28 date, no kids, buy a condo, pay off student loans
28-30 get engaged, maybe kids but they're probably an accident surprise
30-35 get married, have kids, make more money than in my 20s so I can vacation lots more!, buy a big house
35-40 raise kids, don't act old, make even more money, renovate my big house

I think it's a pretty good plan.  It gives me ample time to enjoy life and enjoy myself.  It's just that I'm 23 and I don't feel like I've been on this earth for almost a quarter of a century.  College made me realize how fast time goes by.  Moving to Florida, moving back to Austin, and working at my current job made me realize it too.  Time is flying by before my very eyes.  Um, hello!  It's September!  In 2010!  Think about that.  You're freaking out now, aren't you?  Thank goodness I'm not the only one!

So while I have five to seven years until my next big milestone [side note: Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On- Club Remix" just came on.  So good!] I'm so scared I'm going to die alone with my cats eating my face.  I want kids, and I want a husband, just not right now.  Or really anytime soon.  Heck, I'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship let alone thinking about The Big Three!  There are so many people I know that are getting engaged and married and having babies, and I don't feel ready for any of that.

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