Remember, remember...November!

This is what I'll be blogging about alllllll November!

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? And/or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Wow, won't we be a cozy little bunch after all this is out there!

Don't worry though.  There will be other posts before November 1st.  :)

Laterz!

Fail Blog

That's what my blog should be called, or rather my entire life.  GAH!  The most annoying things happen to me that I swear are completely out of my control, but because of my incessant need to constantly be in control I majorly freak out over every little happenstance.  It's really, truly, heart-attack inducingly hard to be me.

Today there was a meeting.  I had to order lunch.  Everything went perfect (and it never. ever. goes perfect).  I was so proud of myself!  My boss wasn't going to be disappointed in me (which is pretty much the norm, at least from my point of view) and everyone was going to be happy with their lunch.  GOLD STAR FOR ME!

Of course, there was a glitch in this perfection because a traveling attorney from the Dallas office was also attending the meeting and I had no clue about it.  Great.  Oh, and this traveling attorney?  One of the founding partners of the firm...he's important.  WHY?!? 

So I walk into the meeting with a little note for him:

"What would you like for lunch?  Chipotle?"

No answer.  I called Chipotle and hastily asked if they could pleeeeease hold off on the delivery because I was adding another order.  I would call back in 5 minutes with the order.

Five minutes goes by and still no answer.  I call Bosslady and she tells me to forget about and ask him if he'd like anything after the meeting.  I'M SUCH A FAILURE!!

I just want one lunch order to go smoothly.

Birthdays Suck

I'm determined to have a great birthday this year because in the past my birthdays have sucked.  I don't know about you, but I am completely okay with the world showering me with attention and presents all because my mom pushed me (and failed, I was scooped) out of her.  Thanks Ma!

Let's take a journey back through birthdays past...

18th birthday-- I had just moved back in with my parents after running away my senior year of high school.  I don't remember it so I'm gonna go ahead and say that it sucked.

19th birthday-- My wonderful soro-sis, B-Wisch, threw me a great surprise party!  The evening was marred when my then-boyfriend discovered exactly how my sisters and I had received a bunch of free Jack in the Box a couple weekends before.  I still don't think it's a big deal-- we were drunk freshman!

20th birthday-- I spent a couple of days leading up to my birthday in Las Vegas with my parents, but they sent me home by myself on my birthday.  Luckily some friends picked me up from the airport so I wasn't alone the entire day, but there was no party.

21st birthday-- While it wasn't a bad birthday, it wasn't the quintessential "6th Street 21st Birthday" complete with free shots at every. single. bar.  I celebrated in Florida with family at a very nice restaurant on the water.  My first legal drink was a mojito.

22nd birthday-- It was a complete disaster.  I wanted to go to a nice dinner and then go downtown to celebrate.  I had made reservations for somewhere around 30 people who had all RSVP'd and I was excited that so many friends were able to come!  Until the day before.  And the hours before.  And 30 minutes before.  People kept dropping like flies the day of and I was left with 8 friends attending.  That's still a good number of people so I was still excited.  My ego was a bit deflated, but still excited. 

My roommates and some friends were only going to the dinner portion of the evening because Twilight (barf) was having its midnight premeire and that wasn't something they could miss.  Another friend was coming in from out of town and would be late to dinner.  Time was a-tickin' and while at dinner the Twilight girls had to leave and my friend from out of town still hadn't arrived to the restaurant.  I was about to be alone at my birthday dinner.  I wanted to leave and call it a night.  Right at the last second the out-of-towners arrived so the Twilighters left to see their (dumb and absolutely terrible) movie.  The rest of the night was great, but it was that 30 minute window where I thought I was going to be alone that royally sucked.

23rd birthday-- I was on Thanksgiving vacation in Williamsburg, Virginia with my aunt, uncle and tween cousins.  My aunt, uncle and I went out to share a bottle of wine and it was the waitress' birthday too!  She comped the bottle for my birthday.  So sweet!  So this birthday didn't suck, but it wasn't a party either.  I like people and parties and noise and laughter. 

What I haven't mentioned is that my birthday always falls around Thanksgiving so if I have a party it has to be sometime before or after the holidays.  This makes it really tricky because people always are out of town or visiting with family on my birthday.  My actual birthday comes and goes without much notice other than a few gifts and a cake from family.  I guess I just love birthdays so ridiculously much that I think there should be more hoopla and fuss about the birthday girl or boy.  God help my future children-- they are going to have the craziest, most elaborate parties this world has ever seen and I'MSOEXCITED!!! 

Aaaaaanyway...

This year I am having friends over to Julie and Ron's lake cottage.  I'm determined to not have a crappy birthday and in order to do this I have decided to let things go.  I will be forgiving if people do not come.  I understand that people prioritize their lives differently than me and therefore the day of my birthday may not be as important to them as...well really, I don't know what would be more important other than an actual birth or something, but I'll still be forgiving.  And not hold a grudge.  And not make them feel guilty every time I see them.

It's so hard to be such a saint!

[image from lapalitroche.com]

RaNdOM <--that annoys me

Lately I've been working 7 days a week.  I currently have two jobs--both involve talking on the phone to strangers.  (Someone's gotta do it!)  So I work my normal 8-5 job Monday through Friday, and then three evenings a week and on weekends I work a couple of hours.  It doesn't seem like much, but I must say IT SUCKS!

I have never been more tired in my life!  I never realized how important the weekend was for week-recovery, even if I do more during the weekend than I do during the week.  The 13 hour days are pretty harsh and the bags under my eyes aren't getting any lighter.

Having the two jobs has made me realize that I really, truly need a job that pays what a 7-day week pays while only working 5 days a week.  Oh, to dream...

After talking to my dear friend Julie, I realized there are some things in my life that are so completely random, and most of my friends and family don't know about them.  I have had a bunch of very strange and different jobs.  That's another post for another day...

Here are some random pictures that make me happy:

My happy place--warm and bundled up at Julie & Ron's with a "Magic Hat" and zen balls in hand

Pretty bridesmaid bracelet from Julie

My birthday party!!!

My favorite spot on Cooper

Watching window washers

See you mañana!

I miss my Daddy

Today I'm really missing my dad.  He died four years ago and every once in a while I get sad about it.  I just start thinking of him and how I wish he could be here to experience my life with me, to see me growing up and becoming an adult (even if I'm not very good at being an adult).  I get sad because he'll never walk me down the aisle, or see his grandkids, or meet (and scare) my future husband.  And then, especially around this time of year, I get sad because I go to Michigan and hang out with the Kennedy family, and he's not there to enjoy it and eat all the good food and be there for the funny conversations and big hugs and family love.

I know I'm not the only one that misses him.  I try to be strong for everyone else.  People look to me as the last piece of him, and while I know it's not required, I try to be that person for them.  I try to call and connect with people he was close to, but it's a really tough, time consuming job and I don't know that I was ready for the job at 19.  I've lost touch with a lot of his friends and I don't call my family members nearly enough.  I think I got tired of hearing everyone say they missed my dad or that he was such a great guy, that they can't believe he's gone.  I think I got tired of having the same conversation that I never wanted to be a part of. 

I'm glad I look like my dad.  I've got my mom's eyes and facial structure, but my nose and lips are from my daddy.  My curly hair is from my daddy too.  I hope to one day pass on my curly hair and nose and lips to a handsome young boy and see him grow up to look like his grandpa.  He'll probably be named Robert, like my dad.

I really miss him, but I know if I have to have a guardian angel, a dad is the best angel you could have looking out for you.

Why did I open myself up to this?

Remember how I said I needed to make some changes in order to be where I know I need to be so that I can be happy with my life?  Remember that?  Well I was reading a blog today (surprise, surprise!) and it was about a woman in Haiti who is there with her family trying to help remedy the devastating orphan situation there.  This quote has changed my mind about my church, and when I read this I immediately thought of my church.  It is a beautiful church and the people there are so talented with all sorts of media and technology and lighting that this really hit home.

"While many American churches are worrying about the lighting on their stage, or fussing over the displays in their foyer, children are suffering in orphanages, groaning...aching...for someone to come redeem their lives."

Well shet.  I guess I'm going to have to rethink this again because that woman in Haiti is so. right.  I'm completely willing and ready to move beyond the pretty and visually satisfying church to a church that uses the offerings they receive towards giving and not beautifying.  Maybe I could find a church that is held outdoors and we'd all sit on the grass and not waste energy or expenses on things like chairs and roofs and lighting.  I know I feel closest to God when I'm outside anyway, so this kind of makes sense.  I don't know if there's anything like that in Austin, but I'm willing to bet that people would be on board.  Get a mic and an amp and we could preach God's word for an whole park of people if people were willing to gather.  Or don't get the mic or amp and use the voice God gave us to sing His word, praise Him, love Him selflessly and in turn selflessly give to those in need with the funds.

I think it's a good idea.  And my thoughts about adopting a child are starting to change to a genuine possibility.  I was unsure before reading this woman's take on orphans.  Of course I had heard horrible stories about the abuse orphans in places like Africa deal with on a daily basis, but it wasn't until realizing that there are so many.  Millions.  That don't get the proper nutrition at all.  Sometimes they don't eat.  Some, no, most have next to no medical care, and I am, in contrast, a very wealthy American.

Now, let's not kid ourselves.  I'm in no way wealthy by American standards.  I make less than $30K a year and I gots the debt.  But even so when the time comes for me to be a parent, adoption is a very, very real possibility for me.  In the meantime, I'd love to help at an orphanage to love on some kids that really need it.

Changes

Do you ever come to a realization about something and realize your life will never, ever be the same ever again if you act on that realization?  I did.  Today.  Well actually, it all culminated today, but I've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now and sort of getting opinions from friends and my mom.

I don't like the person I am right now on the surface.  I don't like what I perceive people perceive of me.  I know there needs to be a change in a big way and I'm going to have to pull on some big girl pants and get to it.

There are certain things that I want in life more than anything else, and I'm finally at a point where I think I can get these things if I just start living my life the way I know I need to live it.

A couple of things:

1.  I need to start going back to church.  To my church.  To Lake Hills Church where I felt so comforted by God's word every Sunday and met so many beautiful, inspiring, wonderful women who ultimately, though through my own thoughts and prayers, are the reason I am returning to my church.  I still cannot get on board with thinking homosexuality is a sin, but hopefully I can help others to realize the hypocrisy in this thinking.  Church grounded me for the week and reminded me why I was here on this Earth, and I'd like that again.

2.  Running makes me ridiculously happy and I need to do it more often.  I need to do it more often because I'm tired of feeling like there's too much on my body.  I'm sure that sounds weird, but when I see myself in the mirror I don't think "ew, disgusting, you're fat, lose weight."  It's honestly not a bad visual if I do say so myself.  But it's the feeling of this much weight on my body that drags me down.  I can especially feel this when exercising.  I cannot run as fast or as far until I lose some weight.  My early 20s will hitherto be known as "Nicole's Fat Phase."  Also, check out my other blog!  http://townlakeiphonepics.blogspot.com/  (I get bored easily.)

3.  I miss love.  Sure, I love my friends and family and my precious, sweet, angel-puppy more than anything and I know that I am very loved, but I miss being in love.  I miss the feeling when your man calls you and you're so giddy with excitement before, during, and after the conversation and you smile so big it feels like your mouth is going to explode and you just can't contain the feeling you're feeling and you want everyone to know how fabulous your special guy is.  And when you touch there feels like there are literal sparks flying from every part of your body and you can't get enough of each other and constantly want to be together, even if it's just laying in a field not saying anything, as long as you're with that person everything is perfect.  That's what I want. 

4.  I need to read more and not just blogs and websites but real, tangible books!  My mind needs some stimulation other than from a computer screen.  I miss college, and most of all I miss the intellectual discussions I had in college.  I miss reading a couple of chapters (or an entire book if it was that sort of professor) and then talking about them with my peers, picking apart each and every detail until I had a grasp on an entirely new concept the author tried to convey that I would never have noticed on my own.  I especially love philosophical talks and discussing the what ifs, how comes and the whys.  I think that is probably my favorite question.  Why?  [Sidenote: I love that "why" and "because" are basically the same word in Spanish, because I have this mental image of a Mexican man and woman having the following exchange: Por que?  Porque.  Por que?  Porque!  Por que?  PORQUE!!  And scene.]

5.  I really need to be better about staying in touch with friends, especially the ones who have made an impact on my life and helped to mold me into who I am today.  What's funny is I bet some of my friends have no idea just how big of an impact they may have had on me.  (HB, You taught me a life lesson in Vegas and I'm sorry that you had to be the one to do it and that it affected our relationship, but I am so thankful for you and for that experience because I know I am a better friend and a better person because of it.)  Some of my friends that I haven't even been that close to have been so inspiring with how they live their lives that it makes me strive to be a better person.

So those are the big 5 things that have been weighing heavily on my mind lately, and that ultimately, if I decide to follow this path, will lead me to my happy place.  I'm not there right now.  Like I said, I know the changes I have to make, but making them is the hard part.  Responsibility is the hard part, although sometimes responsibility can be fun!  Right?  Right?!  I'm going to go with yes.

And I love 2pac...