My biggest fear

I emailed my grandma to make a phone date for this weekend and her response was telling.  It was about three sentences long.  She agreed on the time, asked if I was going to church, and asked if Cooper and I had a boyfriend.  Not just me.  Cooper, too.  Like I said...telling.

No Grandma, I'm not going to church.  I'm currently at odds with Christianity.  Sure, Jesus is my homeboy, but I am really, really struggling with how the church handles certain issues and I don't like hypocrites.  So there's that. 

No Grandma, Cooper and I don't have a boyfriend.  Why does this EFFING question keep coming up?  It's seriously freaking me out.  Is my biological clock ticking?  Am I the only one who doesn't hear it? 

Which brings me to my biggest fear...growing old alone.  The thing is I know I'm only 23 years old.  That's not old.  It's like my fear of dying a virgin when I was in high school (yes, that was a legitimate fear of mine--but what if I had died of leukemia or meningitis or any other disease teenagers seems to get).  I think it's because throughout the day I think of all the things that can go wrong, like a building falling over, or a bridge collapsing, or my apartment burning down, or getting mugged in my parking lot...the list goes on.  Maybe my real fear is of death?

Anyway, I have this life plan in my head.  It's a very rough draft, as a life plan should be, and I can fill in and take out goals as I go along.  It includes "The Big Three" -- Engagement, Marriage, Kids.  This is it roughly from now until I'm 40:
23-28 date, no kids, buy a condo, pay off student loans
28-30 get engaged, maybe kids but they're probably an accident surprise
30-35 get married, have kids, make more money than in my 20s so I can vacation lots more!, buy a big house
35-40 raise kids, don't act old, make even more money, renovate my big house

I think it's a pretty good plan.  It gives me ample time to enjoy life and enjoy myself.  It's just that I'm 23 and I don't feel like I've been on this earth for almost a quarter of a century.  College made me realize how fast time goes by.  Moving to Florida, moving back to Austin, and working at my current job made me realize it too.  Time is flying by before my very eyes.  Um, hello!  It's September!  In 2010!  Think about that.  You're freaking out now, aren't you?  Thank goodness I'm not the only one!

So while I have five to seven years until my next big milestone [side note: Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On- Club Remix" just came on.  So good!] I'm so scared I'm going to die alone with my cats eating my face.  I want kids, and I want a husband, just not right now.  Or really anytime soon.  Heck, I'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship let alone thinking about The Big Three!  There are so many people I know that are getting engaged and married and having babies, and I don't feel ready for any of that.

"You're a girl" and other realizations from this weekend

This weekend was pretty great.  I say pretty and not totally because (thanks to a certain friend) I came to the realization that I've got a little bit of crazy going on.  I think I knew that, but as I was describing my weekend over dinner last night it was like the clouds parted and the sun shone down on LoonyTown. 

I went to dinner last night with a good friend of mine to hear all about his weekend trip to Cali and to fill him in on my weekend with the guys.  His weekend seemed normal, fun, all that jazz, and when I began to describe my weekend he kept repeating one thing over and over and over again: "You're a girl."  By "you're a girl" what he was trying to say was, "You are absolutely crazy and these feelings that you're describing to me are only felt by the females in this world and I can't relate to you because you don't make any sense."  After thinking about it, it's obvious to me that I over analyze everything and beat it to death with a stick.  I'm going to stop that (at least as much as possible since I am a girl).

But before I stop that, let's analyze some thoughts that popped into my head this weekend!

• I have the best girlfriends in the world:  When I didn't want to be at a party anymore, I called a girlfriend at 3:00 in the morning to come get me.  She was there in under 15 minutes.  The next morning when everyone was still asleep and I needed to talk, I called another girlfriend and asked her to go to brunch with me.  Again, 15 minutes.  I love that they're there for me at the drop of a hat, and I hope they know that I would do the same for them.

My hot mess of a self getting picked up for brunch

•  I need to eat: When I was 17, I was anorexic and severely underweight.  I was the same height that I am now (5'8") but I hovered around 110-115 pounds and thought I was disgusting and huge.  Looking back at pictures it was apparent I had a problem.  I looked like a walking skeleton.  At this point in my life I am no where near that low weight, but sometimes I catch myself not eating and I have to physically force myself to eat whatever is on my plate.  I'm talking independently think about each action: pick up food, open mouth, put food in mouth, chew chew chew, swallow, repeat.  It's so strange because I'll feel full, like I stuffed my face 15 minutes before, but in reality it will have been hours since my last meal.  It happened a lot this weekend, and I noticed it and it scared me.  I'm constantly dieting (that's another girl thing, right?), but I try to be healthy about it and, ya know...eat! 
• Making out is fun!:  If you're a participant...
• Sugar-free Red Bull is the best drink on the planet:  Everyone complains about the taste, and possibly the jittery feeling, but I love everything about the heavenly nectar.  I actually love the taste!  It's my perfect pick-me-up beverage.  When I'm feeling the the least bit tired I drink a can and I immediately feel refreshed.  Literally immediately.  It takes only seconds.  This is probably one of those mind over matter things, but I wouldn't give up my SFRB for anything.

The big cans are better!

• Affirmations are wonderful (and not given out nearly enough): I met up with my college roommate and her current roommate (two girls who I love ridiculous amounts).  The three of us went to the pool and chit chatted for awhile.  Then we started just giving each other affirmations, which are so great!  I left that evening feel so good about myself and loving my friends even more.  
• I'm a child:  My college roommate gave me two awesome gifts: a velcro paddle ball and a ribbon dancer ribbon!  (This is going to be me someday!)  Another friend gave me Dots because no one else wanted them because they're the best candy in the world!  All of these things made me so happy.  It was like Christmas!

• I'm selfish: When asked why I love Dots so much, it wasn't because of the gooeyness of the candy when you bite into it, or the bevy of flavors, or even the brightly colored candies themselves.  I love Dots because no one else does.  Sharing isn't necessarily one of my strong points.  (I'm an only child.)  When I go to the movies and get a box of candy, I don't want to share it!  If I go to the grocery store and pick up some candy to munch on later that week, I want it to be there when I go for it!  If you choose a universally delicious candy, like chocolate covered raisins or Skittles or Junior Mints, those babies have a very short life span.  When you choose Dots, they will stay on that shelf until you're done with 'em! 

 That's what I realized this weekend.  Don't you feel like you know me just a little bit better now that you've gotten a peek inside my mind?

Including the crazy, the weekend was quite eventful!  There was

ghetto club dancing,

That is the best Tres Leches cake ever!

a birthday, late night FINA tacos,

an end to sobriety (bottomless mimosas--hold the orange juice), pool days, night swims, a shower with four people shampooing each other, multiple Red Bull runs,

new friends,

new aviators, and a restful ride home.  Thanks for driving this weekend C!

UPDATE!  I totally forgot about this song that was brought to my attention last night by my roommate and then sent to me by my college roommate.  Thanks for making this a part of my life.  Forever & Always Your "Home Home Homeboy," Nicole

I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow

This week I have not been home before midnight once, and I'm completely and utterly exhausted.  That's okay though because my week was well worth it!  I've been bowling, visited a new bar in West Campus the day before UT classes began (and felt very old--I'm almost 24!!!), and went to The Velveeta Room's Open Mic Night in hopes of seeing Dave Chappelle.  Monsieur Chappelle has been seen out and about Austin for the past week or so and it was rumored that if he were to do stand up, it would be at the Open Mic Night.  No such luck.  It wasn't a total waste because there were some very funny comedians (and some awkwardly terrible ones as well)!

This weekend I'm heading to The Big D!  I'm really excited because I'm going to see some of my besties in the whole wide world (and I can't wait to hizzity hang and do things that are only fun and funny with them and no one else because inside jokes are the best and I love them sooooo much!!!).  We have big plans to watch Titanic II on Saturday night.  It's going to be EPIC!!!  This is the movie of the year and I will be shocked if it doesn't win awards in every single category--Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Picture, Best Director, Best Costumes, Best Special Effects...you get the picture.

Tonight we're celebrating a girl's birthday.  I don't know her, but as evidenced by the past week, I obviously can't say no to a party (or social gathering of any kind).  So somehow I'm going to make it to Dallas, make it to a bar, stay awake in the bar, and then proceed to enjoy the inevitable after-party at someone's place before passing out until the late hours of Saturday morning.  My precious baby puppy-monster Cooper is staying with Grandma for the weekend, otherwise I'd have a 7 am wake up call to the tune of barking.

I hope you have an absolutely fantastic weekend full of friends and sleep!

 Next week, in addition to Loves Nicole, I will be contributing the Envisage blog-- a collaboration of women who share one picture a day.  Here's my bio!  Check it out starting on September 1st!

On a sad note, my very best and oldest friend lost her four-legged best friend today.  Rest in Peace, Hugs.  You will be missed by everyone who knew you.  Have fun in the afterlife carrying your bowl of food around and giving people sweet hugs.

Date from Hell

Do you remember my post last week about some of the worst dating experiences I've ever encountered.  Here's the full story of the "guy who got so drunk on our date I feared for my life on the drive home."

I met Tyler* while working at a tanning place my second year of college.  It was an easy job and I had a nice glow year round.  (I know tanning is bad.  I don't do it anymore.)  Tyler was a regular tanner.  He came at the same time everyday and used the stand up "bed."  My first clue that this guy royally sucked should have been the fact that he tanned at all.  Ahhhhh naïveté... 

Tyler was older than I was by about 5 years, but he seemed like a nice enough guy so when he asked me out on a date I said sure!  [Note to guys: unless a girl is taken or is utterly disgusted by you, it's unlikely she'll turn you down for a date]  From the get-go it was a disaster.

He picked me up from my sorority house and was flabbergasted by how big the house was.  Granted my sorority house is big and is really beautiful.  It's an historical home and furnished beautifully, but the way he was commenting on everything made me feel extremely uncomfortable.  Complimenting a home by saying, "your home is stunning/beautiful/lovely/"whatever nicety you use" is perfectly acceptable.  Saying, "Damn!  Your house is huge.  I gotta take a piss."...not so much. 

After Tyler took his "piss" we headed out on our date.  Being the gentleman that he obviously was, he opened my door and closed it.  He closed it because there was no door handle on the inside of the passenger door.  I could overlook that though.  Not everyone has a nice car or even a car, so door handle, schmoor handle.  Who needs it!

He let me know we were going to play pool at Slick Willies and then go to his favorite restaurant for dinner.  The restaurant was to be a surprise.  Playing pool was uneventful and even a little enjoyable.  I learned that Tyler was a vet from the war in Iraq and he was attending classes at a nearby university while also trying to make it on their baseball team.  Patriotic, scholarly, athletic...all great qualities.  So far, so good-ish.  I still wasn't over the "piss" comment.  I really detest that word.

Our next stop was his favorite restaurant, Pappasito's Cantina.  When we walked up it was obviously packed and we were told the wait was 45 minutes.  [If you recall, I'm really weird about getting hungry and will get angry/sad when I have to wait too long for food.  (I'm such a fat kid...)]  It had been a while since I had last eaten (pre-date jitters) so I was starving.  I suggested we go across the highway to Carrabba's Italian Grill and he begrudgingly complied. 

But first he needed to take another "piss."  Strangely, Tyler wasn't able (or willing) to go at the restaurant we were currently at nor could he wait until we arrived at the restaurant directly across the highway.  He wanted to go to his apartment up the road.  Sirens were going off in my head, but I was trapped not only on this date but by his car as well because of the severe lack of door handle.  We arrived at his apartment and he asked if I wanted to come in.  Apprehensively, I agreed but told myself I would would stay in the living room and not go any further.  (STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!)

Tyler's apartment smelled like cat litter.  He didn't have a cat.  It was really dirty and the 70s had thrown up all over his decor.  I waited in the entry while he went to the bathroom.  After waiting for what seemed like forever, he still hadn't emerged but called me back to his bedroom.  Reluctantly, I went but stayed in the doorway.  He was sitting on his water-bed motioning for me to come see something he had and I obliged because I didn't want to seem rude or creeped out by him.  I was very creeped out.  There was a water-bed.  He showed me some shadow box that I truly could not have cared less about.  I just wanted out of that place!  He then pulled me in to kiss me and I pulled away saying, "Alright, why don't we go to the restaurant now?"  Again, he begrudgingly complied.

At that point, I was done with the date and would have happily gone home.  That didn't happen.  We went to Carrabba's and were seated.  I looked at my menu, but Tyler was more interested in the cocktail menu.  I ordered my entree and he ordered Jäger Bombs.  Too bad for him, they didn't have Red Bull.  Not surprisingly he was fine with straight Jägermeister.  I was so embarrassed.  I ate my meal quickly so that I could get out of that situation as soon as possible.  I half expected to pay for my portion, but Tyler paid for my dinner as well as his shots.

We left the restaurant and started driving back towards campus (or so I thought).  He started to take the U-turn to head back to his apartment.  I not-so-calmly asked where we were going and he said, "We're going back to my place to watch a movie."  I quickly corrected him before he could make the turn and demanded he take me home.  Tyler seemed really angry about this, and the Jägermeister in his system probably didn't help his mood.  He began to swerve while we were on the upper deck of the highway.  I was so scared because I realized he was drunk and I was literally trapped in his car.  I started thinking about what would happen if we crashed.  What if I died?  People would think I was dating this fool!  I was so repulsed and terrified at the same time, and I had no idea what to do. 

Miraculously, I made it back to my sorority house in one piece.  Tyler tried to kiss me again.  I backed away again.  He didn't walk me to the door and thankfully, I never heard from that poor excuse for a man ever again.

*Name has been changed (even though he deserves to be shamed for his behavior)

Guilty Pleasure

I have a secret guilty pleasure: Wedding videos. 

It doesn't matter if I know the couple or not, I love watching "the happiest day of their lives."  The love and beauty of a wedding always makes me tear up.  The most recent wedding video I saw was no different and I'd like to share it with you.

Coco + James // Short film from Americana Cinema on Vimeo.

After Party Crashers

This past week was Fashion Week in Austin, and I really could not have cared less.  I can't do my hair (hello, hair dye job FAIL) so I usually just put mousse in it and run out the door.  I'm not a size 2 (or even close).  I can't afford ridiculously priced designer clothes (shoes are a different story).  But I do like parties so when I heard the after party for the Awards Show was being held at the Frost Bank tower I knew I was going.  Did I have an invite?  Does it matter?  (Answer: no.)

My good friend Marla came to my apartment to get ready for the night.  I figured the best way to look fashionable was to wear something that completely doesn't go with the ensemble so you look a little bit stupid.  So I wore a Marilyn Monroe-esque dress with Betsey Johnson black and silver pumps and made my hair really big.  FASHION!

Marla wore a tiny little black dress with black heels and a bright blue necklace to accent her pretty red hair, and she looked so pretty!  I did our makeup and Marla was concerned the purple eyeshadow I used on her made her look like she had been punched.  It didn't.  Whatever.

I drove to the Tower and admittedly, I was a little nervous.  I honestly didn't know if this was going to work.  I work in the Tower, but not on the top floor that the party was on, and I not only didn't have an invite but didn't attend one Fashion Week event during the week.  Good thing I'm good at bullshit!  My BA in English did teach me something.

We go to the elevator bank and there are three skinny ass girls in really cute cocktail dresses blocking the way.  One has a clipboard. 

"Name?"
"Nicole Kennedy.  I work here."
"Ok, you're not on the PGI list.  Let me text my supervisor and see if you're on the list upstairs."
.....waiting, waiting, waiting...
"Ok he's not texting me, but you have your badge so you can go ahead and go on up."
"Thanks!"

We go upstairs, get off the elevator and it is packed.  The food smelled amazing.  There was free booze everywhere.  And we were on the top floor of the Frost Bank Tower!  Sweet!  We wandered around and people watched a bit, looked out the window, took some pictures, and then I got really bored.  It was so "see and be scene" which was to be expected but is still obnoxious. 

After about 45 minutes we were ready to go.  As we approach the elevator bank to head downstairs we see they're giving swag bags away!  SCORE!  I love free things! 

It had goodies like a water bottle, notepad, free hair treatments, free meals at restaurants, discounts at stores and spas...lots of stuff!  Even if the party wasn't all I thought it would be I think it was a success solely because of the swag bag.  Did I mention I love free?  I hope they have the party here again next year!

The weekend of amazing stories!

This weekend was pretty fabulous not just for me, but for the entire world as well!  I got to work (almost late!--damn elevator traffic) this morning and checked my two usual websites for news snippets I might find interesting (MSN and Perez Hilton- both very scientific and knowledgeable news outlets about all things current) and hot damn!  There are some crazy things going on in the world.

Perhaps the majority of people are completely aware of everything that goes on in the world because you have TV or an interest in it...or something.  I don't have TV.  I don't like TV.  Not ordering cable was one of the best decisions I've ever made because I get out of my apartment so much more.  I'm more social (which is hard to believe) and my life is just more fun and exciting and full in general without the burden of have "my shows."

Anyway, the top stories that caught my eye (and that hopefully you'll find interesting too!) are:

• Miners in Chile have been stuck in a mine for 17 days and all 33 ARE ALIVE!  What absolutely wonderful and amazing news, especially for their loved ones to hear!
• I thought Austin traffic was terrible until I read this.  60 miles.  9 days.  No thank you.
• Sookie and Bill got married IN REAL LIFE this weekend!  (Note: I have yet to catch up on the 3rd season because it's not on DVD yet :-[ )
• A traffic stop resulted in a surprise birth!
• I think I only like this guy because he's Texan.  Southern boys are my Achilles heel.  So pretty. *Sigh*

I hope everyone's weekend was just as wonderful and crazy and fabulous as mine!  Here's a pic from my Saturday night.  It's a little blurry but it's at the Austin Fashion Week Awards Show After Party.  No, I wasn't invited.  We snuck in.  And got swag bags.  More on that tomorrow!

And I like this picture I took on Friday.  Do you know where it is?  The picture is pretty famously associated with the restaurant.